I had a terrifying moment just now where I completely forgot what cows were. I was flipping through a magazine, and I came across a picture of a cow, and I just stared at it.
(Not this picture. This is just a picture of a cow, in case you too have forgotten what cows are.)
My first thought was, “Pig”. I looked desperately at it for a while, this weird pig, while my brain tried to come up with a better word.
"Deer?" My brain suggested, hopefully. No, deer was wrong, too.
I started to get angry. What was this fucking animal. Some kind of fucking pig deer. What the fuck is a pig deer. Why have I never seen one of these before. There was a picture of a whole herd of them. HOW CAN THERE BE SO MANY PIG DEERS AND YET I HAVE NEVER COME ACROSS ONE BEFORE. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT IS A PIG DEER. HELP ME.
And then, right at the peak of my genuine panic and distress, I looked at the caption of the picture. And the word “cow” wafted through my mind and gently floated down to reconnect every experience I have ever had with a cow before. I relaxed. How could this cow have confused me. Of course I know what cows are.
I looked at the pig deer one last time. “Cows,” I thought, dismissively. “Huh. I eat those.” And then I went to put some laundry on.
i am astonished that this was not written by allie brosh
She had curves in all the wrong places. She had a boob sticking out of her kneecap and I’d never seen an ass on the back of someone’s head before
She had legs that went on forever. And ever, and ever. Legs going on into the endless primordial void from which we all came from and to which we shall all return. Her toes touched infinity, her hips perched on the cessation of existence.
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10 things Gabriel finds fascinating about humanity
One day, Gabriel goes to Jacob-called-Israel, carrying a message from the Lord. Jacob is busy in the fields, but Leah is there—she smiles at him with tender eyes, and makes him welcome in the shade of Jacob’s tent. I will find you meat and drink,she says, giving her infant daughter to Gabriel’s arms easily, the gesture practiced as habit. Rest a while here. We shall send Jacob to you when he comes.
She leaves Gabriel there, child heavy in his arms.
Dinah—for that is the child’s name—has large, dark eyes, and grasps at his halo like it is a plaything. Once or twice, she pulls it over Gabriel’s ears and into her mouth, gumming at the edge and whimpering when it cuts her lips. You are a strange little thing, Gabriel tells her, touching a finger to the soft shell of her ear. She is all softness, even the dusting of dark hair across her pate.
It is nearly sundown by the time Jacob comes, and Dinah has fallen asleep against Gabriel’s chest. He returns her to Leah’s arms then, so that he and Jacob might conference with one another.
His own arms seem emptier, after.
It seems only a little while later he is walking in Shechem, when he passes a woman—no different than any other woman in the street, except that her eyes are large and dark, full of an inherited tenderness, and there is a place where her mouth tucks in, as though it were cut by the sharp, celestial edge.
Dinah, Gabriel says, faltering. He almost does not recognize her, this woman who is flint and sun and nothing of softness. It had not seemed so long by the reckoning of angels, but—he can see ruin in her wake now, grief and strength in her visage.
She stops. Do you know me? Dinah asks.
I—no. No, I do not know you, Gabriel says, for angels do not lie.
So I hear you’d like to catch a fox? Let me explain - they are not easy creatures to obtain. Nor are they easy to contain once you capture one!
Step One: Sneak Up
Sneaking up on a fox takes extreme skill in both being quiet and in finding one that is napping (they clearly often nap on their backs!)
Step Two: Chase the Fox!
Let’s be realistic here - you won’t walk up on a sleeping fox. They like to run and often times they even fly. This one flew away from me! But I chased it down good.
Step Three: Pounce!
I know a thing or two about foxes - I’ve learned from them and studied them. They pounce on their prey. You can do the same to them! They don’t expect it!
Step Four: Carry Him to a Good Location
You want to take the fox into your territory. This way he is in unfamiliar surroundings and you can easily catch him again if he tries to run away!
Step Five: Roll on Him
Roll on him really good…
Be careful, though… they are sneaky creatures and will try their best to escape! Don’t roll off them!
If, by chance, you do let them escape, repeat the steps above and catch him again! Remember, he’s in your territory now, this should be easy!
Step Six: Give him lots of love…
Really, really squish him with your love!
And teach him how to roll with you!
He will be the best rolling buddy you’ve ever had!
And will go with you wherever you like to go <3
DISCLAIMER: No foxes were harmed in the making of this script. No, this is not meant to be taken seriously. Do not go rolling on foxes, I think they would be rather upset. If you wish to roll in the snow on a stuffed fox, well, have fun!